Free And Living

Free And Living

26 December 2005

5 More Days

Steve and I will be married in 5 days!

It seems so surreal and exciting and nerve-wracking and wonderful and sorrowful - can I feel all of these things simultaneously? It is a beautiful reality because it's nothing I have created with my own hands or imagination. My relationship with Steve is something God has given me like a present at Christmas. It is a true gift. I believe a good marriage never forgets that marriage and the individual you married is God's gift to you. If you are focused on God and his wonderful works as you journey through life, then you stay grateful. And gratefulness leads to joy even in the most challenging times. I know Steve and I will face sorrows and heartaches toward one another and with the world, ultimately, it is God who never fails Steve or I. We will let each other down, but it's nice to know I have this beautiful man walking along side me as we live out this life God has given us together. I wouldn't want anyone else holding my hand.

But let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy. Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you.

Psalm 5:11

15 December 2005

dreams

so i had a really crazy dream...

steve and i had gotten married but i could not remember it then someone told me i passed out during the ceremony. the reception was two parallel picnic tables with some family, the riskeys and me (but no steve). everyone was silent. it was like i finally woke up in my dream and said come on this is a wedding reception, let's have fun. mrs. donna had a huge icecream sundae in front of her so I began to dig in. there were all sorts of different cakes in the sundae. it was really good and sugary. trying to get others involved i realize "where is steve?" my mom starts going on a rant how he went to workout since i had passed out at the wedding. i cried. then, defended steve because my mom was bad mouthing him in front of the 15 or 20 people who were at this weird reception. we realized it was 5:45 pm and were not going to make it to the melrose in time for the real reception. i cried again. then, a nurse came to check my sinuses. she shoved a long plastic tube up my nose and made me bleed, then she talked about black magic and if i believed in it. i told her "in jesus's name leave" and she flew out of there like a bat out of hell.

my dream transitions into a church/college campus sort of area. steve's not around. i am carrying a 50 lb. backpack full of books and i keep falling. i even see brent along the way. he helps me up at one point. but i am still carrying the books and to top it all off i see a huge hanging plant i really want to buy since in reality all my plants on my porch are dead. but, i can't because what i have is already weighing me down big time. then, someone announces steve and i's marriage. i'm excited but embarrassed in front of all the people, then...eventually, i wake up.

maybe you could consider this a nightmare? what dreams/nightmares have you had?

05 December 2005

you're teaching me my name

amanda legett sings in the background as i type, "you're teaching me my name"
i feel like i am really learning my name lately
that my identity is not wrapped up in what i do since work is now an allusive thing to me
that my identity is not wrapped up in my looks since i've been feeling a lot less beautiful
that my identity is not in who i know since i've transitioned really getting to know people has been difficult
that my identity is not in where i may be since where i may be will always change
that it is not in the class of society i may serve
that it is not in the things i may do like design or some type creative endeavor
that it is not in anything i do at all
that it is not in my sinful nature
that it is not in my distorted view of myself

my identity is simple, it is WHO God is...
and i know he is holy, chosen, pure, just, merciful, humble, gentle, kind, dangerous
he frees, heals, loves, delivers, redeems, liberates
he is the true liberater of humanity

god, help me to understand all that i am in you and because of you. for with you is the fountain of life,
and in your light we see light. psalm 36:9